Sunday, November 04, 2007

Conversations with God

The past few nights, lying in bed, I've tried to pray. It's one of the few times in the day when I don't have other things (or people) competing for my attention or time. Last night's conversation was (once again) about Zoe. Eventually, after my monologue about how I couldn't reconcile what the Bible teaches with my experience of God until I had all the facts about why God chose to take her, God quietly asked me, "Do you trust me to do the right thing?"

And that's what it all boils down to, doesn't it. It's all a matter of trust. If I really trusted him, then this would not be such an issue. Right? Do I trust, in the absence of evidence, that God has done the right thing, or do I trust in my own experience?

Now I sit with the matter of trying to answer that question. Not an easy one to answer honestly. Much easier to try to sidestep, although that will be difficult. I know what the right answer is, but I'm not sure that's the answer I can give. Which puts me in a bit of a predicament. Either way, the answer will mean I need to change my behaviour. If I do trust God, then I have to let go of my anger towards him. If I don't, ... well, then that has implications for whether I call myself a Christian or not.

I think the only thing that looks positive out of this whole situation is that the last time God asked me such a big question, he gave me a few years grace while I grappled with it. I'm hoping he will give me time to work through this one too and not demand an answer tonight!
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