What's for dinner?

While away with Eskom Expo, I sat and chatted with some of the kids in the group over supper. I don't know why it surprised me, but they had never come across the etiquette regarding knife and fork positions at the end of a meal. I discussed the correct positions with them, but it got me thinking about them again, and about when to start teaching my own kids about them. (How young is too young to learn proper manners?)

Do you know how to signal to the waiter that you're resting during a meal so s/he doesn't whip your plate out from under your nose, or have to interrupt your conversation to ask whether you're finished eating? or how to send the message that the food was disgusting? or that you have now, finally, finished your meal? It's all down to how you place your knife and fork.

Technically, there are only two methods - the American and the Continental methods, but in SA I think we use a third variation. In SA, putting your knife and fork together, with the knife blade to the middle and the fork tines pointing up, in the middle (6/12 clock position) of your plate, with handles on the rim of the plate, indicates that you're done. However, both the American and Continental methods say the knife and fork should be at an angle and not directly in the middle of the plate (in a 10/4 clock position).

Something new I learnt though is that in very formal settings, the fork tines should be pointing DOWN, not up. This dates back to when cutlery was made from real silver. Silver tarnishes easily, and so the fork should not be allowed to rest in any acidic residue left on the plate for any length of time. Doing so is very rude as it would mean that some poor servant would have to spend hours polishing the fork to remove the tarnish marks (which isn't always possible I've discovered, to my chagrin).

If you're just resting, then the Continental method is to leave your knife and fork at a 45 degree angle to form an upside down V on the bottom half of your plate. The American method is to place the fork in the 10/4 clock position. The knife, however, should lie across the top of the plate at a slight angle, like wearing a beret. I was taught though, that if you're resting, the cutlery should be in a kind of upside-down V position, but the handles should be touching the table. Apparently, that's not acceptable in either of these methods. Bahumbug, I say.

While I can't find this anywhere on the web (and I don't feel like purchasing an etiquette book to check), I thought I'd share with you what I learnt about telling the waiter you don't like the food. Assuming that the rest position is with the handles down, then the 'this food is disgusting' position is with knife and fork wide apart, both pointing to the centre of the plate, but handles still on the plate. The idea is that the further apart the handles are, the more disgusted you are with the food. (See, my method makes sense - handles up = you're done. Handles down - still busy.)

Since I can't find this method anywhere on the web, I have to assume that this is just my family's idiosyncrasy. Still, I rather like it. Sometimes the food isn't so bad you want to call the chef or manager out, but you still want to send a message. Of course, in this generation, subtleties like this are lost. This is such a WYSIWYG generation that it really doesn't surprise me at all that no-one seems to learn basic table manners anymore.

But what about you - what table etiquette have you learnt that no-one seems to use any more?

(My Ouma used to have a rhyme to help. She would say to me: Say 'able', which I would duly do. She then responded with: get your bum off the table. You can tell sitting on tables was something I loved doing. It's something my daughter loves too. Maybe I should repeating the rhyme to her as well....)

Squak & family traditions

Just as I call Nellie 'Munchkin' because of her behaviour as a baby (she wouldn't munch so much as snack...), I find myself giving Nate another nickname: Squak. This is the noise he makes when he has a sore tummy that isn't sore enough to really cry about, but is obviously spasmodic. It's a very cute noise, despite the cause.

Isn't it funny how family names develop? My niece was called Squashie, from Gem Squash (a dark green, round squash that is yellow on the inside and delicious to eat with cinnamon and sugar), because her nickname sounded like Gem (and I seem to recall my brother saying something about how squashie she looked as a newborn). Now, of course, she looks nothing like a little squashie - quite the opposite. She's nearly as tall as I am, lanky and gorgeous.

Family traditions and cultures are so important. They help to create family bonds and engender family identity, everything from special family names right through to a particular recipe for some traditional family meal.

I've tried to create a few of our own, and as Nellie grows and develops, I want to create more. I think the most important one, thus far, is about how much we love her. Knowing that you are loved beyond measure is the most important thing, I think, to developing self-love, self-worth and self-confidence. Thus, I regularly tell her that I will always love her, even when she's naughty. More importantly though, we have a little ritual to remind her of just how much we love her: I love you as wide as my arms can stretch* (stretch your arms out wide) and as close as I can hold you to my heart (arms crossed over chess in pretend hug). I wanted her to know that we would always hold her close to our hearts, but that we would also love her enough to let her grow and leave us, symbolised by the two actions. I also wanted a litany that we could repeat to her over the phone that would comfort her if (when?) we were separated from each other for any reason.

Similarly, we have the routine of her asking us to 'stay with [her] a small/ big bit'. This is her way of looking for the security that we won't abandon her as soon as she goes to bed. Again, wanting to create a secure child, we always stay with her (outside the bedroom door, or in the adjacent room), although usually for a small bit, as that could be as little as 30s if we need or want to be elsewhere.

We've also just started teaching her the family whistles. Of course, she can't whistle yet. She simply calls 'hoo hoo', but that's no reason for her not to be able to identify the whistles. My dad and step-mom have a family whistle, and G and I have a different one. There's something really intimate about having a whistle, contrary to what one might first think. No-one else uses the whistle; it's just for us. It's also really nice not having to shout across Pick 'n Pay - a simple whistle and whistled reply let's us know whether the other is there, and if so, where. (In today's modern age, it can also be used in places where cell phone reception is shoddy.)

As Christmas approaches, and as Nellie is getting old enough to remember the Christmas story in detail, I'm also thinking about traditions around that. G and I bought a beautiful, carved wooden collection of Christmas figurines while we were touring Zambia on our epic journey before moving to the UK. It was our first proper trip as a married couple, and it was such a memorable, special trip (for many reasons), that the set has sentimental value for us. When we bought it, we talked about having kids and using it to create special rituals for them. Now that time has come - nearly a decade later! Now, of course, we need to develop that tradition - maybe reading the story as we set the figurines up, maybe singing a particular hymn together (she already loves 'Hark, the Herald Angels sing', maybe praying together.

What are your family traditions or culture? I'd really love to hear what makes your family special. What made you feel safe and loved in your family? What made you feel you belonged to each other?

*In years to come I hope this image will also help to connect her to the image of Jesus' love for her by spreading his arms wide on the cross