Farewell

Barry's funeral was on Wednesday afternoon. It was as beautiful as these things can be. Unusually, it was a communion service, but it felt so right given that my uncle was such a devout Christian - I learnt that not only is he a warden and sidesman, but also the treasurer.

The church tradition is 'high' church (or at least, it's a lot 'higher' than my experience of Anglicanism). This means that the clergy and others helping to run the service all wear robes (and stoles for clergy); when entering or leaving a pew, or when crossing the church in front of the altar, one genuflects to the cross; crossing oneself when certain words or phrases are used is expected; the congregation stands for the reading of the Gospel. I was surprised that the Gospel wasn't paraded into church and that incense and bells weren't used. A lot of it felt odd to me, because my tradition is much 'lower' church - I'm not a pomp and ceremony kind of girl. And yet... and yet...I realised something that I would not have previously anticipated.

G and I have recently been going to a non-denominational, charismatic church. (Ooooh boy, I can see how admitting that is going to open up a whole can of worms for some people!) While we love a lot of things about the church, it's not the perfect church, and I'm not even sure if it's the perfect church for us.

Sitting in the funeral service on Wednesday, I realised that I have really missed the Anglican liturgy. I found myself not only able to sing the hymns by heart (apart from one), but I was able to participate in the liturgy by heart too. (From a practical perspective, that was probably a good thing, because I was crying so often during the service that I would have struggled to read text anyway.) I finally had an experience of how liturgy can be a useful, supportive, encouraging thing. This is not to say that I've been anti-liturgy, because I haven't been; merely that I am not a liturgy kind of girl.

I don't like formulaic religion that does what it does because that's the way it's always been done. Religion like that is often empty and meaningless. For many years, as a child growing up in the church, I would recite liturgy without even thinking about it. When I realised what I was doing, I began to hate liturgy. I needed something to make communion 'fresh' to me, to help me realise what it's all about, why it's such a sacred (and yet secular) experience. I didn't get that from liturgy.

But on Wednesday, I suddenly saw a new side to liturgy. I found being able to recite the prayers comforting. In many ways, being in that church felt like coming home, which was odd since it was the first time I've ever set foot in that building. But that's precisely what one of the aims of liturgy is - it's supposed to make it easy for Christians to go to an Anglican church anywhere in the world, and feel at home; it's supposed to remind us that we are all part of one family, with one purpose for gathering together. On Wednesday, it succeeded in that role for me.

But I realised something else on Wednesday.... right now, my precious Zoe is getting to enjoy her great-uncle! His laugh, his sense of fun, his twinkling eyes - his love of children - she is getting to experience that right now. And he is getting to experience her in all her beauty and grace. And that comforts me too. I miss him, and I miss her, but at least they are together now, and one day, all of my family will join them, and together we will worship our God - there can be no more precious experience than to worship our Maker and Master as a family. I look forward to that day.

Funeral Audio/Video Downloads

A number of people who couldn't make it to the funeral service have expressed an interest in hearing or viewing it, so here are some options for you to try:

Funeral Service Audio (MP3 file - 25Mb) ~ This recording is quite soft, so you will probably need to adjust the volume settings on your computer speakers.

Funeral Service Audio (M4a file - 14Mb) ~ This is a more compact format, but one that you may or may not be able to play - it will prompt you to download the file to your PC and you can play it from there.

Funeral Service Video (Mpeg file - 264Mb) ~ The whole service - A huge file & very slow to download (took me an hour to upload from work), but here in case anyone wants it. Below is the video of the service, cut into four chunks so that they can be viewed in turn:

Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4

Donations update

I loaded all the money collected at the funeral onto the Tommy's donation page today, and this brought the total raised to £926.00!! We really didn't expect to raise more than a couple of hundred - thank you so much for your generosity, it has been a real blessing to us, and hopefully the money will be able to bless others!!

According to the Tommy's website:

• £15 could help pay for research updates to be sent out to midwives and doctors 3 times a year.
• £25 could provide 33 mums-to-be with Tommy's guide to being pregnant to help them protect their unborn babies.
• £50 could help pay for 7 mums-to-be with complications to receive life-saving treatments for their babies through Tommy's research projects.
• £100 could pay for important equipment to help our researchers find out why problems in pregnancy occur.

Here's hoping that nearly £1000 can do a great deal of good.

Graeme

Ashes to ashes...

The good news is that we have ashes.... With stillbirths or neo-natal deaths there is always a chance that you won't get any because the baby's bones (which are the main constituent of the ashes) are so small. We had Zoe cremated early in the morning so that the ovens wouldn't be too hot (increased heat means decreased chances of getting ashes), and that move has paid off.

So now one of us needs to make the trip down to the crem to collect them.... I'm not looking forward to that, but at least we now have something to take home. The plan is to plant at least one tree for her - at Willow Point (the Broster holiday house in Sedgefield, RSA). I want to plant another one in the house we eventually buy to raise our kids in (as opposed to the house we bought just to get onto the property ladder before the market went WILD in CPT), and I want her ashes to go in the soil around the roots of at least one of them.

This whole thing just seems.... Time to go be an ostrich for a bit, before I fall apart some more.

She's gone

The service this morning was beautiful. I cried all the way through, as did Graeme. I still can't believe that I will never hold my little girl again, that she's really gone now. I can't believe that this happened to us.

Roll on heaven, when I will see her again!

We have taped the service, mainly for family who couldn't attend. Once we have a copy we'll try to upload it so anyone who would like to can see the service, but as it's pretty long (half an hour or so) I'm not sure we'll be able to.

We want to thank everyone who has donated to Tommy's Baby Charity in memory of Zoe, either through the link we posted previously, or today at the service. Your generous donations total around £850 so far. Our prayer is that this money will spare at least one couple the agony we have gone through - if our sorrow means that others are spared, then at least some good will have come of this tragedy.

Zoe's funeral service

Dear friends

Zoe's funeral service will take place at the Ascension, Balham Hill at 9am on Tuesday the 10th April. This is an open service. We recognise that many of you will be unable to come, but so many have asked for the details to be able to pray at that time that we're just letting everyone know.

Thank you to those of you who have already sent emails, texts, cards and/or flowers. We have appreciated each and every one, although we have been able to respond to only a few. For those who would like to make a gesture of some kind, we are asking you to consider making a donation to Tommy's, the baby charity, which exists to save babies' lives through funding research into, and providing information on, the causes and prevention of miscarriage, premature birth and stillbirth. We have set up a webpage in memory of Zoe, where you can make an online donation - http://www.tommys.org/in-memory-zoe.htm.

If you could RSVP so that we have an idea as to numbers for catering, that would be very helpful, but don't let the fact that you haven't replied keep you away.