This lockdown weekend has been difficult in other ways though. While we’re in a sort of school routine, the days are manageable. Having a routine helps. But the 4-day Easter weekend was madness. It was slothful, and miserable, and the kids annoyed each other (and us) interminably. The worst part was being unable to send them down the road to play with friends, or out to cycle on their bikes. I realized afresh there’s nowhere to go for a bit of silence.
So I was really looking forward to today - back to school, back to a semblance of routine, back to a measure of normality without the annoyance of being in each other’s space all the time.
Because I’d set my students tests, I knew I didn’t have to be online this morning, so I got a few chores done (laundry, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming... the usual). I also started painting the gate that I’ve been meaning to paint for months.
And then everything went to hell in a hand basket. I don’t really want to talk about it right now - still too fresh, too painful - suffice to say that no-one’s died or had to go to hospital. Things would have been much better if I wasn’t in lockdown, and I’d been in a position to get in my car to go and visit. Lockdown is saving lives, but today I really didn’t care about that. I really didn’t give a toss - I could only see how it made a difficult situation horrendous.
My eyes are swollen and sore from crying. My heart is broken and grieving. My only prayer today has been “Abba! Daddy!” I couldn’t even pray for myself, or the situation. I feel utterly useless and powerless. I just want this day to be over, and for tomorrow to be a new day, with fresh possibilities and fresh hope. Even reading the Word brought me no comfort today. The comfort I’ve received today has been from my wonderful husband, from a few friends, from other Christians who have (once again) held me up in prayer when I am unable to pray for myself, who have listened as I’ve cried, who have spoken truth and hope into my bleak reality. This is what community looks like, and true community is able to transcend lockdown.
So if you’re in a dark space, a dry space, a painful space, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Today, I’ve been there. But more than that, I want you to know that if you reach out, you will find community. You can have real connections with others, even in times like these. And if you feel like there’s no-one you can call, no-one who would be willing to listen, no-one who could understand, then I want you to know that’s not true, because if you have no-one else then I will be that person for you.
We all have dark days, hard days, difficult days. But we don’t ever have to walk through them alone. “Even though I walk through the dark valley of death, because you are with me, I fear no harm.” Ps 23 vs 4. Though Easter was a few days ago, its message resonates every day. Though it may feel like it’s Friday, Sunday’s acoming!
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