Monday, November 02, 2009

First day back, Zoe makes an appearance

It went rather uneventfully, except that my laptop won't talk to the network at all. In fact, the experts can't get it to work, so I've got to back it up later this evening and then they're going to reformat it tomorrow.


It was odd being back. I think the fact that we've only got 2 weeks of lessons before the kids are on final exams is part of the problem - I'm struggling to motivate myself to figure out what to do with them. I'm also struggling to get my head together again - thinking in blocks of 43, 44 or 45 minutes just isn't normal. And, to my horror, I discovered that I've forgotten a lot of the kids' names. Thank God for seating plans!!

Being without Nathan wasn't as bad as it could have been. I've been working my way up to today - leaving him with Priscilla for long stretches of time (a whole morning, or a whole afternoon). In that respect it wasn't bad at all. But I did miss him. I think it's the fact that I couldn't just go home anytime.

Coming home was horrible though - I just wanted to snuggle with him, to the exclusion of all else, but Nellie was being whiney and jealous, so I couldn't, and then he got tired and wanted to go to bed. *Sulk!*

What has really messed with my heart though, is reading about a book launch for a book called 'Notes left behind', which launched in Oct. It's a collection of notes and journal entries about a 6yr old girl who died from cancer. It was initially created for her younger sister, Grace, so that when she grows up she would know about her big sister. It's a tragic, heartbreaking story, even if there is some positive redemption at the end.

I really should know better than to watch or read stories about kids who die. I really ought to. Needless to say, I balled my eyes out, then proceeded to beg God (again) not to take my two remaining kids from me. It's really not fair that little kids are victims in this way. It's not fair that they die. Every time I read a story or hear about a child who dies like this, my heart breaks. I know this. So why do I go there? You would think that I would learn, but apparently that part of my brain is dysfunctional.

Speaking of Zoe, we're finally getting around to commissioning a painting to remember her by. We've selected an artist we like, and in Nov/ Dec we're going to get together with her to talk about what we want. It feels poignant, somehow, that we're only doing this now that Nathan is here. I find myself looking at him and wondering how she would have been at his age...

But, back to the story. I'm tired. I'd forgotten how exhausting it is managing a class of teenagers. Thank God it wasn't a full day. I'm still flying by the seat of my pants for the next few days, and probably, just as I get my head in gear, it'll be time to go on exams. Isn't that just typical?

Anyway, I'm going to head for bed just as soon as my laptop is backed up. Hope we all have sweet and pleasant dreams tonight.
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