Monday, September 24, 2007

Letter to God

This evening I received two emails, both of which caused me to question God.

The first was an email from a woman I hardly know, to tell me that after many years and many struggles (including losing a child at term, which was how we met) she is engaged to a lovely Christian man. Her point was that she trusted in God to do the right thing, and find her the right person, and now she's engaged.

The second was from an email service I signed up for ages ago called 'Daily Thought'. It's a South African run service, providing a daily Bible verse, thought and prayer. Tomorrow verse (sent out this evening) was 'From this day forward I will bless you,' Haggai 2:19

So my question is this: is this coincidence or not? I have no trouble believing that God wants to bless me, or is capable of blessing me. The trouble I have is that I know God won't bless me in the way I want, nor will He bless me every day. He will continue to say no to the prayers I pray, because that's what He's done up until now. The two biggest things I ever prayed to Him he turned down. The first was about a change in career, which has still left me scarred and hurt, because I don't see how to use the gifts He's given me in any other capacity (although, something a friend said before I left London may have opened a window for me on that...). The second was about Zoe. I have no doubt that Zoe is in heaven, surrounded by family, and that gives me a measure of peace.

But that still leaves me with the fundamental question. Is it coincidence that I received an email about God giving someone the desire of their heart, blessing them in the most profound way, and that today's Daily Thought is about being blessed? I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I used to believe that there were no such things as coincidences, only God-incidences. I don't believe that anymore. Sometimes shit happens (oh boy! there goes my resolution to avoid foul language). Sometimes God is powerless to do anything because he respects our freewill.

So I had a conversation with God tonight and wanted to record it for posterity - as an accountability measure, if you like. The gist of it was this: because I'm not walking in relationship with God at the moment (I've made the choice not to worship, not to pray, etc), I don't feel I have the right to ask for blessing. That would feel hypocritical to me. However, I do feel I can ask God to cause me to walk in truth again. For me, at the moment, that means finding a way to reconcile my experience with my knowledge, so that I can move forward from my grief. This is what I have asked of God.

Since prayer feels random to me at the moment - no rhyme or reason to which prayers God answers 'yes' and which he answers 'no' - I need to document both the prayer and the answer (or lack thereof), so I can prove to myself that there either was or was not a definable answer. Since this is the kind of prayer I suspect God will answer in the affirmative, it should be easy to see whether or not he answers.

Now I know lots of Christians, reading this, would be up in arms about the 'do not test the Lord your God' thing. All I have to say to you is - tough! If God could handle a fleece being put out several times, then I think he can handle this little request without throwing his toys out of the cot. If not, then what difference does it make? I'll still be on a road to nowhere.

So come on God - if you really want to bless me from this day onwards, help me out on this little issue. How do I reconcile my experience of your answers to prayer with what I've learnt from your Word? How do I reconcile the fact that you took my little girl from me, when you could so easily have saved her (You didn't even need to do anything except send me into labour 48hrs earlier), with the fact that you want to bless me. How is taking her from me, taking her from this life, blessing me? How has that blessed her sister, or her father, or her grandparents? How has taking her blessed anyone left behind on this earth, for that matter? I'm sorry, but I don't see it. I don't buy it.

Your blessing seems as fickle as the weather - as random as the wind. Blasphemy, I know, but at least it's honest. Show me where the answer lies, and I will walk in it. Show me where the good is in all of this, and I will proclaim it to the heavenlies. Show me how your Word is truth in this, and I will walk in it. But until then, I simply can't. I don't have the faith to walk blindly in this. I cannot follow a God who allows some their heart's desire while tearing the heart out of others. Open my eyes and my heart and my mind to understand, I beg you, because not understanding is killing me - slowly and inexorably - and if my faith dies, if my heart dies, then what is left? What meaning is there if You are not part of life?
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