It's not so bad!

So I thought it might be good to keep a record of how my writing is progressing, so that if I decide to do this again in a future year, I will be able to look back on this year's experience with something more accurate than memory.

The first few days were great, but then life got in the way. This morning, though, I got up nice and early to try and get some writing done, because the rest of the day is filled with various events. Although I've started both threads of my story, I've mostly been focusing on one of the threads this past week. As I re-read the story I've written so far, I felt the excitement rise - I am LOVING the story! I think I've written it pretty well, so far, but then, I suppose I'm biased. But, what I really loved was that I found myself being sucked straight back into the story. I want to know how it ends, because it's an exciting story. For me, that was a great moment. If I am excited by this story, then hopefully others will be too.

The actual writing though, is hard. I'm not a planner; I'm what's called a pantser - writing by the seat of your pants. As I write, the characters reveal the story to me. I have a broad overview of where I think this story is going, but already I've been surprised as where the characters take me. They're changing the story as we travel along together. But that makes it hard. It's no longer just me thinking about how to say what I want to say - I have to really listen to the characters, and figure out where we're going, and then figure out how best to convey that on paper. My brain isn't used to this type of creative work - it's definitely out of practice.

I've hit my target for today, but it took me two hours. I still have lots of writing to catch up on... 4360 words, in fact! At this rate, I really am going to have to write every day if I want to hit my target by the end of the month.

Swallowed whole by words

This year I am taking the plunge and going to attempt to write a 50 000 word novel in a month, with NaNoWriMo. NaNoWriMo is ostensibly an American institution - National Novel Writing Month - but there are thousands of non-USA folk who join in.

I used to write - poetry, songs, short stories... this blog! - quite a lot, but then, somehow, I stopped. About 2 or 3 weeks ago though, I woke up with a dream still vividly present in my imagination. When it stayed vivid through-out that day, and the next, I decided to commit it to paper... and before I knew what had hit me, I was 4 chapters in! Given that I knew about NaNoWriMo, and that it was so close to November (the month in which NaNo takes place) I decided to give it a bash.

I'm scared nearly witless by this challenge - 50 000 words is 1 667 per day - which is a HECK of a lot of words! And although I have a part of the story mapped out in my head, the majority is still a complete blank for me. I anticipate the beginning will be easy, but I'm nervous about whether I can stick with this... will life get in the way? Will inspiration desert me? Will what I write be any good?

This month holds a lot for me - my birthday, my daughter's birthday, end of year exam marking, planning for 2016, training staff on being a Google Apps school, and now NaNo. Am I completely insane?!? A sucker?!? Given that this year is a big birthday, maybe this is the mid-life crisis everyone talks about?

Whatever it is, if you don't hear from me this month, it's because my energies are being channeled into writing. I am about to be swallowed whole by words - and I think I'm going to love it! I have added a widget here though, to keep track of my words, so you can see how I'm doing. All encouragement will be gladly accepted!

Whose vote is it anyway?

After what has been a rather hectic few weeks, I took a night off last night and watched a movie with my hubbie about the suffragette movement in the USA. The cinematography of the film itself, Iron Jawed Angels, was interesting. (What a dull word.) While it was set in about 1915-1917, culminating shortly after the USA joined WW1, and while the characters were true to the ethos of the time, the camera angles and the format of the film was very modern, which I think made the movie more accessible (which is not to say that it wouldn't have been accessible otherwise).

However, the content of the movie has remained with me. The storyline follows two American suffragettes - Alice Paul and Lucy Burns, with the formation of the National Women's Party, and the events that led to the constitutional change allowing women to vote in the USA. The story is horrific in parts, tragic in others, and all-round inspiring.

I was struck, yet again, by the notion that for great reward, or great progress, or great freedom, there is always great sacrifice. When one looks back on history, on all the great movements and events, there is always someone who has suffered greatly in order to bring about change.

With every major movement in history - the beginnings of (true) Christianity, the Protestant reformation, the Reformation, the Inquisition, various Revolutions (French, Russian, etc.), the abolition of slavery, the Suffragists (including the suffragettes), anti-Apartheid, LGBT rights... to mention just a few from Europe and America. In each of these there are stories to be told of men and women who suffered unspeakable horrors in the name of achieving their goals - those who were ex-communicated, tortured, and killed.

One observation from the movie is that when an issue arises, you have to take a stand. You have to choose which side of the fence you are on. There should be no-one sitting on the fence. Sitting on the fence is cowardly and selfish. When one considers the lengths that those involved went to, the energy they invested, the time they gave, the life they gave up (no matter which side of the fence they were on), I would suggest that the only way to show respect for that is to nail one's colours to the mast and choose a side.

Of course, you can change sides - as one of the senators did at the last minute, and his became the swing vote that won the motion. But to sit on the fence - that's not an option.

And then I thought of the issues the church is facing today: women in leadership, and LBGT rights. In each case there are honest, good, true Christian people on both sides of the fence, who both defend their beliefs from Scripture, and who both claim the other group is misinterpreting because of reading something out of context.

Where does that leave me? I don't read Greek or Hebrew. I can't translate the original text for myself. I'm not trained in hermeneutics. How do I know which interpretation is correct? I have dear friends on both sides of each of these issues. I know strong Christian women on both sides of the women in leadership debate - all of whom have honestly delved into Scripture and grappled with this issue before God - some of whom firmly believe that male eldership no longer holds, and others of whom firmly believe it does still hold true. Equally, I have Christian friends who are LGBT and honestly believe that God does not restrict them from having LGBT marriages, or holding office in Christian circles; while other Christian friends honestly believe the opposite.

So while I believe that one must choose a side, how does one do it? Who is right?

When I go back to Jesus's words recorded in the New Testament, his actions make it clear that women are to be held in higher regard than the culture of his day did. But how high? In the same way, Jesus never spoke directly into the evil of slavery, he never directly spoke into the issue of women in leadership, nor did he speak directly into the LGBT issue. And looking back into Scripture in the Old Testament doesn't help much, because it is possible to interpret it both ways, depending on your initial bias.

I don't want to fall prey to allowing the current culture to dictate how I interpret Scripture, because Scripture should inform culture, not the other way around. Equally, I don't want to allow my own personal experience to be the measure of right and wrong, because only God's measure is good enough. Yet, I cannot ignore either.

I do have bias in these issues - I am not neutral. I want women to be leaders and elders, because I have a gift of leadership. I want LGBT individuals to be able to experience loving partnerships (marriages) with others, because I want my friends to have what I do. Moreover, because I have a daughter, I want her to be able to be the best, biggest and brightest she can be - and if that means being able to lead a church, then that's what I want for her. Because I have children, if either of them came to tell me they were LGBT, I would want them to be able to have a life partner of their choice (and raise children) without the fear of rejection from the rest of the Church.

But are those reasons enough?

When Scripture is not clear, when I have strong Christian friends on both sides of the argument, when my heart has its own agenda, I need God to guide and lead me. Nothing else will do, because sometimes: [what] seems right to man... leads to death. Prov 14:12.

Raising kids - a lesson in constant change

Why is it, when raising children, that just when you think you've got a handle on things, they go and change, and you have to figure out, all over again, how to deal with the new status quo?

I would have thought, as the kids grew up, that things would get easier. In some respects, they have. They can now dress themselves, bath themselves, feed themselves, entertain themselves. They can do laundry and unstack the dishwasher. They can answer the phone and know how to change channels on the TV. They can rides bikes, walk the dogs around our street. One can read and write, the other is on the cusp. There is so much they can now do on their own.

But in important ways, they need us more now. They need us to help them navigate the much more tricky roads of love, generosity of heart, kindness, consideration of others, speaking truth in love only (even then, sometimes not because it is unnecessary), friendships. They need us to mentor them in time management and developing self-discipline. They need us to encourage them through disappointment and failure. They need us to protect their dreams and hopes from the destructive element of reality in a fallen world.

And that is so much harder, because I have to do what is right for them, not what makes me comfortable; say what is right for them, not what I would want to hear in that situation.

I've said it before - being a parent is not for sissies!

A possible new understanding of autism

Having just read this article on a possible new understanding of autism, I was struck by the idea of hyper-sensitivity to others' emotions.

One of the defining memories of my time in the UK was the difference in my response to beggars. In SA, beggars are ubiquitous. In SA, my response to them was to ignore and withdraw from them, or to feel anger towards them for evoking emotions in me that were overwhelming about which I felt powerless to manage.

In the UK, my response to them was empathetic. I realised that my response in SA was not because I lacked empathy, but the opposite. In SA, I was overwhelmed by the need I saw around me, and my seeming powerlessness to change things. Consequently, my response in SA was to become withdrawn and harden my heart.

After reading this article, is that not what those on the autistic spectrum do? They are overwhelmed by the world - sensations of light, touch, sound, taste, hearing.... they are under a constant bombardment that is overwhelming and terrifying. Thus, an appropriate response is either to withdraw or to strike out, both of which are protective measures. Neither is a response from a lack of empathy, which is the traditional understanding. Reducing stimuli allows them to function normally, in most of their interactions, because they don't feel under threat of being overwhelmed by their emotions, or by the emotions of those around them.

She is not forgotten

Sitting in the weak, autumn sun, eating my lunch, I opened Facebook and saw a message from a friend, who had been in her garden and smelled the jasmine my mom gave her to plant. The occasion had been my own daughter's funeral.

And just like that, the old pain rose up in my heart, spilled out of my eyes; a pain so great it felt that my very bones quaked, my poor pressure rose so that My ears could hear nothing, my lungs could not draw breath and my heart quailed. The world seemed, once more, to stop spinning, to implode upon itself.

But like a wave that has crashed retreats back down the shore, the grief receded. And so, now I sit with damp cheeks, damp eyes, a runny nose, a clenched and raw throat, exhausted, yet alive, knowing that life goes on, and so must I.

And that, perhaps, is the hardest thing of all to bear.

Should I stay or should I go?

In recent weeks, SA has made both national and international news for all the wrong reasons. Firstly there was the #rhodesmustfall campaign, followed by the xenophobic attacks. Both gave me cause for pause, and for the first time I seriously considered whether it is time to start looking for jobs elsewhere and to consider emigration.

The #rhodesmustfall campaign at UCT was about the fact that 20 years on, South Africa is still in the grip of Apartheid. Yes, the laws have changed, but transformation has been slow. For some, the rate of change has been too slow. There is still a lot of anger about the fact that whites still hold the majority of the country's wealth, and still appear to enjoy much more privilege. 

Throwing poo at statues (which quickly spread from just happening at UCT to taking place in various cities and at various statues) that are symbols of colonialism and racism and Apartheid seems to have catapulted the discussion about transformation into the forefront of discussions in civil society, government and institutional powers in a way that previous discoursive attempts have not. I disagree with the the decisions made about the statue, but I sympathize with the sentiments. If nothing else, this whole situation has really made me think about what it is like to be your average non-white South African living in this country.

Yet, then anger that I have felt directed towards me has been disconcerting to say the least. If one listens to the news (despite the fact that only the extremists and their doings make the news), then one could be forgiven for thinking that we are truly on the brink of becoming Zimbabwe, where whites are truly in physical danger. If one believes the news, then it is time to get out, while we still can.

At the same time, because of poverty, gross institutional inefficiencies and some ill-timed (and ill-conceived) words by King Goodwill Zweletini we have seen repeated xenophobic attacks in the Durban area against the immigrants from our neighboring countries and further afield. So much has been said about how the whites are to blame for everything that is historically wrong with this country, that it is sometimes hard to believe the capacity for black-on-black violence in this nation. Yet, the human heart is the same no matter the colour of one's skin, and its capacity for fear, anger and jumping to in conclusions (as my dad always says) is the same.

As I said, as I have pondered these two climatic events I have, for the first time, given very serious thought to emigrating. Why, you may ask? Because of fear. I looked to the possible future and was scared by what I could imagine.

Yet as I prayed about it, as I prayed into these situations and asked God for his guidance, he has very clearly been telling me to stay. A decision made in fear is never a good one. If I allow fear to rule my decision-making process, I will make wrong choices. If I allow God to rule my decision-making process I will make the right choices. I am reminded now, as I write this, of the saying that the safest place to be is in the centre of God's will. From the verses I have been reading as part of my daily devotionals, Gid has clearly been telling me to stay put and to trust in him alone - not to look to the circumstances around me, but only to look at him.

Does this mean we will be personally and physically safe? No. Does this mean my children will have an easy life? No. Yet neither of those things are good reasons to leave - not when God has other plans and I am a part of one other plans. I simply have to trust that God is working in ways I cannot see, and that his plans are plans to give me hope and a future, not plans to harm me or my children.

And of course, things are not as bad as they seem - the vast majority of this nation's people are not extremists. They are not blood-thirsty lunatics. The majority are average people trying to go about their lives in peace. Yet, these events have given us a fresh opportunity for discourse and dialogue, for a real chance to move towards transformation. Once again this nation has a real opportunity to shine the light of Christ for the world to see - if only we would grasp it!