A possible new understanding of autism

Having just read this article on a possible new understanding of autism, I was struck by the idea of hyper-sensitivity to others' emotions.

One of the defining memories of my time in the UK was the difference in my response to beggars. In SA, beggars are ubiquitous. In SA, my response to them was to ignore and withdraw from them, or to feel anger towards them for evoking emotions in me that were overwhelming about which I felt powerless to manage.

In the UK, my response to them was empathetic. I realised that my response in SA was not because I lacked empathy, but the opposite. In SA, I was overwhelmed by the need I saw around me, and my seeming powerlessness to change things. Consequently, my response in SA was to become withdrawn and harden my heart.

After reading this article, is that not what those on the autistic spectrum do? They are overwhelmed by the world - sensations of light, touch, sound, taste, hearing.... they are under a constant bombardment that is overwhelming and terrifying. Thus, an appropriate response is either to withdraw or to strike out, both of which are protective measures. Neither is a response from a lack of empathy, which is the traditional understanding. Reducing stimuli allows them to function normally, in most of their interactions, because they don't feel under threat of being overwhelmed by their emotions, or by the emotions of those around them.

She is not forgotten

Sitting in the weak, autumn sun, eating my lunch, I opened Facebook and saw a message from a friend, who had been in her garden and smelled the jasmine my mom gave her to plant. The occasion had been my own daughter's funeral.

And just like that, the old pain rose up in my heart, spilled out of my eyes; a pain so great it felt that my very bones quaked, my poor pressure rose so that My ears could hear nothing, my lungs could not draw breath and my heart quailed. The world seemed, once more, to stop spinning, to implode upon itself.

But like a wave that has crashed retreats back down the shore, the grief receded. And so, now I sit with damp cheeks, damp eyes, a runny nose, a clenched and raw throat, exhausted, yet alive, knowing that life goes on, and so must I.

And that, perhaps, is the hardest thing of all to bear.

Should I stay or should I go?

In recent weeks, SA has made both national and international news for all the wrong reasons. Firstly there was the #rhodesmustfall campaign, followed by the xenophobic attacks. Both gave me cause for pause, and for the first time I seriously considered whether it is time to start looking for jobs elsewhere and to consider emigration.

The #rhodesmustfall campaign at UCT was about the fact that 20 years on, South Africa is still in the grip of Apartheid. Yes, the laws have changed, but transformation has been slow. For some, the rate of change has been too slow. There is still a lot of anger about the fact that whites still hold the majority of the country's wealth, and still appear to enjoy much more privilege. 

Throwing poo at statues (which quickly spread from just happening at UCT to taking place in various cities and at various statues) that are symbols of colonialism and racism and Apartheid seems to have catapulted the discussion about transformation into the forefront of discussions in civil society, government and institutional powers in a way that previous discoursive attempts have not. I disagree with the the decisions made about the statue, but I sympathize with the sentiments. If nothing else, this whole situation has really made me think about what it is like to be your average non-white South African living in this country.

Yet, then anger that I have felt directed towards me has been disconcerting to say the least. If one listens to the news (despite the fact that only the extremists and their doings make the news), then one could be forgiven for thinking that we are truly on the brink of becoming Zimbabwe, where whites are truly in physical danger. If one believes the news, then it is time to get out, while we still can.

At the same time, because of poverty, gross institutional inefficiencies and some ill-timed (and ill-conceived) words by King Goodwill Zweletini we have seen repeated xenophobic attacks in the Durban area against the immigrants from our neighboring countries and further afield. So much has been said about how the whites are to blame for everything that is historically wrong with this country, that it is sometimes hard to believe the capacity for black-on-black violence in this nation. Yet, the human heart is the same no matter the colour of one's skin, and its capacity for fear, anger and jumping to in conclusions (as my dad always says) is the same.

As I said, as I have pondered these two climatic events I have, for the first time, given very serious thought to emigrating. Why, you may ask? Because of fear. I looked to the possible future and was scared by what I could imagine.

Yet as I prayed about it, as I prayed into these situations and asked God for his guidance, he has very clearly been telling me to stay. A decision made in fear is never a good one. If I allow fear to rule my decision-making process, I will make wrong choices. If I allow God to rule my decision-making process I will make the right choices. I am reminded now, as I write this, of the saying that the safest place to be is in the centre of God's will. From the verses I have been reading as part of my daily devotionals, Gid has clearly been telling me to stay put and to trust in him alone - not to look to the circumstances around me, but only to look at him.

Does this mean we will be personally and physically safe? No. Does this mean my children will have an easy life? No. Yet neither of those things are good reasons to leave - not when God has other plans and I am a part of one other plans. I simply have to trust that God is working in ways I cannot see, and that his plans are plans to give me hope and a future, not plans to harm me or my children.

And of course, things are not as bad as they seem - the vast majority of this nation's people are not extremists. They are not blood-thirsty lunatics. The majority are average people trying to go about their lives in peace. Yet, these events have given us a fresh opportunity for discourse and dialogue, for a real chance to move towards transformation. Once again this nation has a real opportunity to shine the light of Christ for the world to see - if only we would grasp it!

Transformation

There is currently so much being said about the #rhodesmustfall situation, and the ongoing impact on Soith African society. Till now I have been silent, just listening and reflecting on what others are saying. At the same time though, it feels somehow immoral not to say something.

On the one hand, I totally agree that Rhodes was a racist who made his fortune through oppression. So, I agree that he should not be venerated.

Yet, I also agree with those who say that removing statues and street names, etc. is merely attempting to wipe out our history, which we can't do. Forgetting the past is impossible.

I believe that change is needed, yet there are always those who get on the band wagon simply to have the opportunity to create violence and be thugs. They don't really believe in the principles, and would seldom if ever resort to discussion and reason to resolve their problems.

So what should we do? That is the question. How do we truly transform this nation? How do we rid our nation of all forms of corruption, oppression, racism and violence? Whatever political solutions may be offered will be, at best, flawed. Yet, that doesn't mean we don't need them. Whatever social solutions are offered will probably alienate many. Yet, that doesn't mean they aren't necessary.

This is one of those times when I can only pray for our leadership, in the hopes that they will lead us effectively, and with integrity, humility and compassion.

Race race

This week I have been faced with dealing with a racial incident. It has exhausted me to burn-out levels. Dealing with this reminded me that racial issues continue to be a big part of our country's present. It has also highlighted for me the fact that whites (gross generalization here!) really can't talk about our Apartheid history and give adequate voice to the atrocities suffered by those of colour.

This evening I read an opinion piece by Verashni Pillay of the Mail & Guardian which basically pointed out some truths about how whites (again, gross generalization) still benefit.

I know that I have been guilty of thinking 'oh come on now... It's 20 years on.... Can't we just get past this now?' But how does someone get past the fact that they are still treated as a second class citizen because of the colour of their skin? Racial slurs continue to be a problem - the 'boy' in the garden, the 'girl' in the kitchen, the joke about how all coloureds are thieves, the 'fact' that blacks are so dangerous you have to cross the road to avoid walking past them on the pavement....

What I find incredible is how many adults don't get it, including a guy in his mid 20's I had dealings with this week - someone I would have thought would have known better. My actions have been called into question by some who don't get it, who are more concerned with saving face than in the pain their actions have caused others.

I'm not perfect, and I don't claim to be. I get this wrong. I still succumb to the old way of thinking and acting. The thing that keeps me going is that Jesus calls me to being better, higher, purer, more righteous. When I see racism, it is a reminder to me to root it out in myself. When I am falsely accused though, that is really hard to deal with - not to want revenge, or to retaliate, but to try to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do - to forgive and forgive and forgive. 70 times 7... 

Sometimes I really do just want revenge though.... But if I give in to that way of thinking, it will eat up my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my energy, my sleep,  my peace.... and then I will have lost.

So I hand this over, Lord, to your capable hands. You are the One who KNOWS. I am trusting you to see both justice done and mercy poured out on those who don't get it and who have harmed others as a result. I also trust you to pour out mercy and healing on those affected, and to see justice done in them too - for none is without sin.

Cos I can't. Ek kan hie meer nie. I'm just. So. Tired. 

Things I have learnt from gardening

After more than a month I got back to my garden and spent the morning weeding the front garden. I cleared a black bag's worth of weeds from a patch about 6m square. 

Apart from the terrible aches I have today (& no doubt tomorrow will be worse) I was reminded of something: weeds will always grow where you are not actively engaged in removing them. This is true of our lives as well as my garden. They start small - the white lies, the personal photocopying, breaking the speed limit because you're late. Unhindered though, the small weeds will grow, until the beauty of the garden is obscured and sometimes destroyed.

Just as I will trim back the wild growth, and kill plants I consider weeds, so too God will work in the garden of my soul - point out the weeds, prune the parts growing out of prompt ion, so the beauty of my soul can shine. It hurts, but it is necessary if I am to have a beautiful garden.

The other thing I was reminded of is that the gardener has a grand design in his or her head that may take years to come to fruition. I planted a few trees that will take about 20 years to reach the height and shape I want, so that I can then remove an alien tree that I don't want. I am also planning a pool in the back garden. Every decision I make about planting is guided by the grand plan for 20 years hence. So the garden doesn't look as stunning as I would like, but that's because I am careful about what I plant where, knowing that in a few years I am going to pull something else out. It struck me that, in the same way, God has a plan for my life and maybe some of the things he is doing now don't make sense, because I don't see the big plan - the future plan.

Gardening is good for the soul, and body.... But maybe I will regret it tomorrow when I have to toll out if bed! ;)

Things I have learnt about life from running

Last year I joined ParkRun, as a stimulus and encouragement for my running (ok, maybe running is being a bit optimistic .... It's a more like slow jogging staggered between bouts of walking, all while gasping for breath... I am not built for running!)

This past week was reminded about a way for dealing with life - something I had noticed previously, but forgotten. I can't keep running for long without a series of small goals - I run from green bin to green bin, or lamp post to lamp post, or to the next tree, or street sign.... I need small goals to help me reach my big ones. The thought of running 5 kms is overwhelming, and I would give up before I even began if that was all I focussed on. (That's why I can't run in a treadmill - no goal points to aim for.)

So why is it that when it comes to things of faith, I do not employ the same principle? I want to go from zero to full speed, overnight, yet I know that's not realistic. Instead, I need to work on small steps,small  goals - hearing God once a day, rather than every minute, reading the Bible for10 mins rather than 3 hours. Of course, I have hear this before, and knew it before, but it was good to be reminded of this while running yesterday.

The second thing I was reminded of is that, when I run, the real competition is me. I can't compare myself to anyone else. That is just demoralizing, because almost everyone else is better than me, or seems to make faster progress. Rather, as long as I am improving against my own performance, I am doing well. Ditto for my faith. I can't compare the gifts I have, or experiences, with others'. This is not a race to see who can get to heaven first, or who seems to be the most holy, or whatever... This is a relationship in which I am he unique element, so of course my relationship with God, my gifts, my experiences, my faith journey is going to be different. And I have to remember that different is not wrong. Just because I am slower to learn a lesson, or reach a milestone, does not make me inferior.

Having said that, running (certainly at ParkRun) is a social thing. Families come, with dogs. I was reminded that in order to make the event enjoyable for everyone, everyone takes an interest in the welfare of the others who are present. Everyone looks out for the kids, and pet owners behave responsibly. The same is true of life in a faith community - we look out for each other. We behave (mostly) responsibly.

And finally, I was reminded of Paul's analogy - that our lives are a race of endurance, not speed. The goal is to finish well, to win the prize. It is to pace ourselves, and run with determination, up the hills, down the valleys, along the endless flats, to never give il and never give in, until we reach the finish line. Yes, we may trip and fall over tree roots, or broken paving, or on others' feet (if we're. It careful), but that's not the end... We get up, brush ourselves off, and start running again. Often in life, our faith takes a knock, and we may be tempted to think it's tickets for us, that we've blown it too badly, but all we need is to pick ourselves up, or allow God to pick us up, put our feet back in the path, and try again. In the words of Dory: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."