This is my perennial response to any sport that SA play in. Why? Well, because we usually do. I can't bear to lose. I'm extremely competitive, but I hide from it by simply avoiding situations in which I might lose, or else by pretending that I really don't care about it.
Watching/ listening to the cricket this afternoon was a perfect example. At the start of the 2nd innings, Australia were doing fantastically. Extrapolating from our previous 2 losses in this series, and their performance at that point in time, I was convinced we would lose.
G gets incredibly frustrated with me when I make my pronouncements of impending doom. He is the perennial optimist. I think he also finds my lack of support and loyalty to our teams frustrating. I'm not one of those types who will support a team through thick and thin, simply because I'm not one of those types who is fanatical about sport. I'm very fickle that way. I'm very excited to support our teams when they're doing well, and winning (which is almost never), but I have no patience or energy to support them when they're losing - especially if they've proven they have the ability to win.
Needless to say, the last hour or so of the cricket this afternoon was very exciting. Winning was within our grasp, so I happily stood and watched as we bowled (and caught out) our way to victory. I oohed and aahed along with everyone else as the Aussies suddenly started hitting 6s and 4s, and I cheered along with everyone else when the final wicket fell.
As much as I enjoyed it though, I'm not the type to drive along the road hooting. I guess that if you haven't invested your heart and soul in something, while you can take pleasure in it, that pleasure isn't intense enough to make any real difference to your life.
So what are the things I'm passionate about? Well, I'm not sure anymore. I've been reflecting on this for a while. Since Zoe's death, while I've experienced pleasure, and while I have my hobby horses that make steam come out of my ears, I don't really feel that I am positively passionate about anything anymore, and that really saddens me.
When your heart has been broken, I guess it's hard to invest that level of passion and commitment to something, because in so doing you risk having your heart broken again. I'm not just talking about breaking up with your boyfriend; I'm talking about really having your heart broken - broken in such a way that part of it never recovers. My heart has been very severely broken several times in my life: my parents' divorce, being in an abusive relationship, having and then losing Malcolm (and not being able to share that loss, or the manner of the loss, with my family & friends at the time), not being selected for ordination, and losing Zoe.
No-one ever said that life would be easy, although that's the promise that Hollywood and our materialistic society holds out to us. Yet, quite frankly, I think I've had enough of heart break and sorrow. So I hope you can forgive me when I don't feel inspired to support our boys and girls in green - their success or failure is just 'something' that happens around me. I'm happy for them (and me) if they succeed. I feel annoyed if they fail. But neither emotion changes my life. If that makes me unpatriotic and less of a South African, then so be it.
Congrats to our boys today - at least they were spared the ignominy of losing all 3 matches when they're supposed to be the best in the world. And well done on playing such a superb game today. Thanks for the few short hours of pleasure they gave me - I appreciate the distraction.
