Primary historical sources

One of the things the kids have been encouraged to do (not that they’re doing it...) is to keep a journal from this time. The given reason is that it will, in due course, be a primary historical source of this time.

For me, it’s more about having time and space to reflect; to process what I’m experiencing and feeling. While I love writing, I am a bit of a romantic, and I do love gestures. So last night I got the kids, hubby and myself to make this memento.

Once lockdown is down, I’ll be taking this “bread” (yes, it’s made from dough) to the framers to have it put in a box frame. It’ll go on our gallery wall with our other hand and footprints from various years. Not only is April 2020 the month of lockdown, which is pretty dramatic, but it’s also our anniversary. Tomorrow we will have been married for 22 years. 22. Twenty-two. TWENTY-TWOOOOOOO.

I remember walking down the aisle (and contrary to what everyone else says, it feels like a lifetime ago, not just yesterday) thinking to myself, “It’s not too late to back out. I don’t have to go through with this. Right up until the priest pops me the question, I can still say no.” I truly wasn’t sure we’d make it a year, let alone a lifetime together.

Sadly, my reality is that almost all of the marriages on my side of the family were broken - separation, divorce, remarriage, co-habitations, remarriage to their first spouse; marriage to their ex-spouse’s sibling... In fact, as we left the church, one of my parents’ friends handed me an envelope with R5000 cash in it with the words: ‘This is for when you get divorced.’

But here we are, many, many bumps and 22 years later. Still married, still happy, with beautiful amazing kids, stable jobs, a house mostly paid off. We are seriously adulting!

[At this point I was interrupted by #1 who was gobsmacked that I have a blog... and this despite the fact that after the previous time we had that conversation I showed her the blog I wrote for her while I was pregnant and for a while after she was born.... sigh!]

So it strikes me afresh that blogging is the creation of a primary source, that what I write will be preserved (barring any electromagnetic pulses or shifts in the earth’s polarity, or the demise of all electricity generation on the planet, or the need to migrate this blog to a different format) indefinitely.  Like getting married, that suddenly feels very overwhelming - that what I say here needs to be meaningful; it needs to count; it needs to share wisdom with the future generation.... I don’t feel particularly wise, or knowledgeable, or even humorous. I don’t feel controversial, or interesting at all. I’m just... well, me.

On a related topic, I was rather taken aback earlier today. Because of lockdown, I have been making a few (rather poor, I think) videos for my matrics. No picture-in-picture (otherwise known as the talking head), and about 20 mins long each (which if you know anything about making videos for social media, is WAAAAY too long) - just my voice, and my Apple Pencil interacting with the screen. But, because I’m generous, I decided to share them with my colleagues in other schools (and my own) on our provincial email group. I’ve uploaded them to YouTube and created a playlist for this topic, and that’s the link I shared. I was gob-smacked by the responses. I can’t tell you how many teachers replied to show their appreciation - for my rubbish videos! I mean, granted, they’re not as bad as the Telematics videos (*shiver*, #notasbadaswilliamsmith), but they’re not nearly as good as the ones made by professionals like Khan, or Bozeman, or The Amoeba Sisters, to name but a few. I’m not even sure my kids need them, given resources like that. But even my kids have said how much they appreciated them. Maybe it’s just the familiarity of my voice...

So maybe I’m selling myself short. Maybe there is something special about me after all. I guess you should ask the hubby - after all, he’s lived with me and put up with me for the past 22 years. (Did I mention that we’ve been married for TWENTY TWO years???)

Here’s to you, my love! You are my hero, and your kids’ hero. I thank God for you, and the past 22 years. (TWENTY TWO!)

A week into Lockdown and counting

Today marks day 7 of our lockdown. I think we’re settling into it now, getting used to new rythyms. My body has gone back to its normal schedule - bed after 11pm some time and up around 9am. I do still find the start to the day problematic though - I could easily keep dozing till noon and do nothing all day every day, because part of me can’t help thinking there’s no point to getting up. Thank goodness the children have to “do” school... because I know I’ll get it in the ear if I don’t “do” school too.

As an Achiever (Clifton Strengths), reflecting on today I feel satisfied with all managed to do. I did some school work and connected with a few kids. I did some school related crafts....

Can you guess what these are? I’ll give you a clue - they’re molecules from the Gr 10 Life Sciences curriculum...

Then, at lunch, I got to eat some produce from my garden - YAY! - plus a delicious meal made by my husband. I spent the afternoon cleaning and sterilizing the kitchen so that I could then do some cooking for the ICU and general ward staff at Groote Schuur Hospital. (If you want to join in, most suburbs have a Community Action Network and many have a baking group. If you can’t find one for your own suburb, you can check out Pinelands CAN on Facebook for details and start your own for your own neighbourhood.) I should really have taken a photo of me in my cooking gear... including shower cap on my head to keep my hair out of my face! It was quite a palava, but so worth it. There’s no point in us doing the gratitude thing at 8pm as living in the leafy suburbs we are too far apart for anyone to hear our noise.... or at least, not in the way it would be in an apartment block. So I’m doing what I can to say thank you to them. It felt pretty awesome to hand over the mini-quiches I made to the driver this evening. (I just hope they taste OK!!)

Then, after supper, I have experimented with making a mielie meal dough (ahem! Not so much a dough as a patta-cake) which we made hand prints in, as a memento of our first week. As #1 said later: I don’t want a reminder of Lockdown! so there we go then. Thanks for nothing! As I type, it’s busy baking. If it turns out okay, once we’ve painted it, I’ll post a photo.

Thinking back over this past week, the kids and I have literally not left the house since last week Thursday. My super husband has always been the one to go out and do the essential shopping. It’s not so much the lack of contact, although even that is getting to me. (Zoom and Skype are great, but I miss seeing people in real life.) Rather, it’s that we’re not allowed to leave that is getting to me. At the best of times, I struggle with being told what to do. Even though I know that staying home is the best thing I can do to protect the most vulnerable, it’s hard.

Yesterday I opened our back gate, which opens directly onto the field adjacent to our house, and just stood in the gateway. Just having that open, and being able to stand there, felt like such freedom! Of course, the dogs thought we were going for a walk, so I didn’t stand there for long. Never the less, that small breath of freedom was intoxicating. Having the delivery of bags and labels for the food I was cooking today, and then the collection of said food, was exciting - new faces to talk to - and SUPER exciting for the dogs!

It is amazing to think how we took the small things for granted. Being able to walk out of our property - even just down the road - safely, without worrying about what we might come home with... Of course, those of us in the leafy suburbs have so much more to be grateful for - like the fact that we don’t have a shared outdoor toilet, that we have a garden space to walk around in safely, that (in general) we have jobs that continue to pay us a salary, that we can afford to buy food and that our cupboards are sufficiently stocked that we don’t really need to go out, or that we have a holiday home we were able to escape to before lockdown started - let alone that we have enough data/ WiFi access, or books on our shelves that we have only read once (or access to Kindle and Audible to download books), or board and card games in the cupboard, to keep ourselves endlessly entertained. Those of us who live in the leafy suburbs will survive this with some measure of ease, actually.

Although the lockdown is supposed to be protecting the most vunlerable, it is the most vulnerable who will end up paying the most when they lose their jobs and start to starve, or get sick. It is those who are alone and can’t get out to buy essentials, who have no-one to care for them who may suffer with mental health problems. Loneliness is a killer, literally, with more people dying from loneliness than the big 4 life-style diseases. These are the people who will really pay the price.

What does one say in view of all this? “I’m alright, Jack! Sorry for you”? Yet, there is also nothing I can do, practically, to change things at this point. So rather than focus on what I can’t do, I will focus on what I can. I can pray. I can make video calls to those who need it. I can cook and bake treats for our essential services and first responders. I can make the most of this time to get fit, so that I can keep healthy and not put further strain on our health system.

One week down, two to go (at least). Let’s focus on what we can do, and not get bogged down in the fear and anxiety that so often goes with being out of control. I tell you what, I’ll pray for you if you promise to pray for me. What do you say?

Hello. Are you there?

Today is day 5 of our lockdown because of the novel Coronavirus pandemic. It’s also supposed to have been the first day back at school for Term 2. Of course, even before the lockdown was announced, the government announced that schools would be closed for an additional 2 weeks. However, we have been asked to try to continue the academic programme as best we can in these 2 weeks so as to minimize the impact on education.

#2 has been encouraged (by school) to journalevery day. He’s not doing that, but I thought I would. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, a space to put my thoughts down and get them out of my head. Writing helps me process. Maybe reading my story will help you too.

Our kids have been at home for longer than the school holidays because we pulled them out of school early. (Partly that’s because #2 already had a cold, and partly that’s because as a family we are at risk.) So for us, this is actually week 3 of being at home.

We are in totally new territory here. We’ve had holidays at home before, but never for this long, and never in circumstances in which we aren’t allowed to leave the house. On our street WhatsApp group, we have neighbours who are gun-ho to report anyone they see out and about. We live in a cul-de-sac, so the only people on the road will be residents, and so it’s got a bit hairy at one point. If it weren’t for the concerns about catching SARS Cov2, I’d be scared to leave my house because of some of my neighbours... I imagine that what I feel is somewhat akin to what people in times and places where neighbours turned informer might have felt.

The dogs are going stir-crazy. They love having us home 24/7, but they’re used to being walked twice a day. They don’t understand why they can’t go out. I can’t explain it to them. Our older dog seems to be getting particularly morose, even though he gets to sit in his favorite place in the entire world all day, every day - the boot of my car, with the boot door open. Here he can sit in relative comfort and watch the world go by (and bark at everyone/thing going past), except there’s no world going by, and he doesn’t understand why.

The children are desperate for endless screen-time, and as parents we’re desperate to not let them disappear down the proverbial rabbit hole. Both of us are ambiverts, and so we need alone time, which now we’re not really able to get because when the kids are bored or frustrated we’re their go-to people. #2, in particular, thinks I’m his entertainment centre, or his teddy bear. He is an affectionate individual, but I am touch averse (or rather, I become quickly overwhelmed with too much touch) and having him constantly want to hug me, cuddle with me, lie on the bed with me... it’s very overwhelming. Then, he’s used to being at Aftercare with about 100 other kids every day, so there’s ALWAYS someone to play with, and now it’s just the 4 of us at home... and with 2 of us as ambiverts and needing time out from everyone... well, you get the picture.

Don’t get me wrong - I love my kids, incredibly, deeply. I am loving being able to spend this quality time with them. But too much of a good thing is not necessarily great.

We’ve had a few Zoom and Skype calls with friends and family. We’ve played Settlers of Catan online, and we’re doing quizzes in our various WhatsApp groups. We’re chatted with neighbours across the street, standing at our garden walls. Those conversations help. No doubt about it. But there’s this underlying mania or panic that seems to underlie everything. Laughter in those settings has a slightly manic edge to it. Laughter from the various memes doing the rounds also has a slight edge to it. Kind of like a “you either have to laugh or cry” feel to it.

I love the memes about the end of the world - like that we expected zombies, not this. Yet, at the same time, many of us are anxious about what the future holds. In the final count, how many of us will die from this? What will the financial cost of this be for all of us? If it took a generation to recover from WW2, how long will it take us to recover from this? Will this make or break us, as a society? Or will we get over this and find things are back to ‘normal’ with no long-term learning or benefit?

This all sounds rather bleak.... Yet, when I’m not dwelling on the anxious negativity, there’s actually so much to be grateful for, so much to enjoy. I get to stay home with my favorite people in the world, all day, every day. I get to forget which day of the week it is. I get to enjoy my recently upgraded garden (what a privilege and blessing it is to have a garden space to enjoy!) and the last of the sunny weather. I get to read for hours and not feel guilty about it. I get to bake. I get to watch Netflix movies every day. I get to play games with my kids. I get to stop rushing on to the “next thing” (endlessly). I get to focus on the important things in life, instead of just the urgent. I get to exercise in my home, admitting just how unfit and out of shape I am, and not feel stupid in front of my family. I get to support and help others who are feeling the pinch (whether emotionally/ mentally, or physically, or financially).

So if you are out there, and feeling alone, I want you to know that you need only stretch out a hand (virtually), and you’ll find a community waiting to connect with you. And if you don’t, then get in touch with me - my email link is on the right. I’d count it a privilege to walk a road with you - maybe we’ll discover new friendships that will last a lifetime, maybe we’ll only be connected during this pandemic. Either way, it’ll be a blessing to us both.