In my dream I was a man (first weird thing), working in a bar/ restaurant - think: American style eatery in a small town... you know, the kind where everyone gathers to ride out a storm.
And there was a seriously big storm coming (hurricane?)- everyone from town was pouring into the restaurant - the safety of being together, plus we had a generator in case the power went out. My ex-girlfriend, who I still had feelings for, emailed me a photo to pass on to the guy she was starting to date. I was about to respond that we both missed her (meaning I missed her) when my emails appeared on the big screen in the restaurant, so everyone could see.
Then I was distracted by the in-coming storm. We were frantically trying to board up windows, settle everyone and make sure that everyone had their emergency essentials. Someone crucial (can't remember who) was missing though, so another girl and I went out into the storm to look for this person. We were suddenly standing in the middle of a vast parking lot (as you do, in dreams) (and suddenly I was a woman again (weird, I know) in the pouring rain, yelling at each other over the wind.
I just remember the dark, the rain and the howling wind. I remember my fear of the storm, of not finding this person, of dying in the storm, and my anxiety about not having told my ex that I still loved her. And then the front door of my house closed and woke me up.
All day I've felt on edge, waiting for some imminent, life-threatening danger to strike. My fuse has been exceptionally short and my anxiety levels are high - I can feel it sitting in my chest, like an asthma attack or heart arrhythmia about to happen.
I thought putting it down on paper, acknowledging these feelings out loud, would help, but it's actually just made them worse. My prayers feel like gasps, and knowing Jesus is with me isn't helping. There's no rational reason to feel this way, yet I do. If it were evening, I'd have a big glass of wine and hide away under my duvet with chocolate and Netflix, but it's still mid-afternoon. Plus, hiding never solved anything. Is this what it feels like to have a panic attack?
1 comment:
Yes Nicole it is typical of a panic attack. Don't underestimate the power of the subconscious mind. I strongly recommend that you address this and not just buckle up to ride the storm. Get some Biral or speak to your doctor or pharmacist. We all know that this too shall pass but that does not take away your concern for your loved ones. We need you to be brave so get help.
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