The theme and question about identity is one that we all grapple with, some of us more frequently than others; some of us to a deeper level than others.
Who are you? How do you define yourself?
For me, I guess I've always defined myself by my name, my relationships, my job, and by the things I love to do. I am a Masureik; a wife and a mother, a daughter and a sister; a Christian; a Saffa; a teacher; a reader, a dancer, a speed freak, a gadget lover, a pianist.
But is this who I am, or just what I do, and how I'm connected to the world?
I guess, if I'm pressed, I would also define myself by my characteristics. I'm loyal and trustworthy, faithful, hard-working, passionate, with a deep sense of right and wrong. I hope my family and friends would say I'm friendly, loving, kind, forgiving and generous, but I also suspect they would speak the truth - that I have a horrible temper and can be intimidating, cold and stuck-up, not to mention being a liar.
Most of these are as a response to fear, because, actually, I'm a terribly fearful person. I'm afraid of being abandoned, of being hurt and wounded, of being cast out, of being left out, of being over-looked, of my life being meaningless. I'm scared of getting things wrong, I'm fearful of the depth of my own emotions and their potential to rip me apart, or of my entire life being spent in grief.
So who am I really?
People talk about 'finding themselves', as if they lost themselves somewhere along the way. I learnt quite early on that I am capable of deluding myself. I believe what I want to believe about myself. I don't think I need to 'find' myself, so much as try to discern which of my inner voices speak the truth.
All this sounds like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, or something. But I'm not. Promise. I'm not even feeling morose or moribund! On the contrary. I haven't felt this positive in a long time.
As it happens, our church has recently finished a sermon series addressing this very question. I didn't get to hear most of the sermons in the series, so it wasn't very helpful to me. LOL! What I did take away from it though, is that my identity is not based in what I do, or my relationships, or even my characteristics. Rather, my identity is simply this - I am a child of God, adopted into the Family by payment of the ultimate Gift. Everything else follows from that single source of identity.
Flowing from this position, I have done the Gallup StrengthsFinder survey (if you haven't done that, it's well worth the R100 to do it!) to try to work out how I'm wired. And it was so spot on. All the things I've known about myself for years I finally have the language to talk about.
I am an achiever, a task-orientated person who loves lists. I get stuff done. And lots of it*.
I have belief - a deeply rooted set of core values that dictates how I live my life, standards to which I call myself (and those around me) to live up to.
I am an activator - someone who gets others to get moving and do stuff, who energises, motivates and encourages others to get moving with a task.
I need input - I thrive on gleaning VOLUMES of information. Talk to me and TELL ME STUFF. Let me browse the web, Twitter, Facebook, ScoopIt!, Feedly, news websites or whatever for information. Give me books to read (I can read several books in a day, if I'm motivated enough and have no interruptions).
I am a learner - someone who doesn't just need information, but likes to process all that information and make connections between it, understand the deeper way in which information is connected.
These are just my top 5 strengths. (I don't want to spend R1000 to learn about the other 30 or so.) This is how God has wired me. I don't need to make apologies for who I am. I need to start living confidently in who I am.
At the same time, our church is doing a sermon series on spiritual gifts. These are not necessarily the talents you're born with (although they can be 'upgrades' of a natural talent). These are things that God gives you when you become a Christian. Once again, doing a quick questionnaire has told me what I always knew.
I'm an administrator - I like organising people, processes, resources and tasks so that things function efficiently.
I'm a teacher - I get a HUGE kick out of making gospel concepts easier for people to grasp, and then making it practical so they can see how to apply it to their lives. (Of course, that doesn't mean that I always apply it in my own life... LOL!)
I'm a leader - someone who helps to cast vision, motivate and direct people, all to accomplish God's purposes.
When you put these two different assessments together - one secular, one spiritual - it's pretty obvious that I lack many of the softer people skills. I'm much more of a task-orientated person. I'm not completely devoid of people skills, but they're definitely not my area of strength. But God hasn't wired me that way. I don't need to apologise for it. Instead, I need to look at the positives of how God has wired me, and lean into that. Yes, I need to think carefully and be deliberate about emotional intelligence, but at the same time, I can't go around spending all my time trying to be something I'm not, at the expense of not being who I am.
And I am fabulous! I really like all the things that I am, and the gifts that I have. I like me**.
I've been reminded about who I am: a child of God. I've been reminded that God has wired me a particular way for a purpose, and because I now have a better understanding of what that wiring is, I am in a much better position to discover my purpose in life.
And isn't that what all of our searching to 'discover' ourselves is actually all about? We want to know who we are, because fundamentally we want our lives to have meaning. We want to have a purpose. Unless we know who we are, and how we function, our lives can never be truly meaningful.
I know that, for now, I'm in the right place as far as my employment is concerned. As far as God's kingdom is concerned, I know I'm in the right place in some areas. Some areas need tweaking though, refinement of purpose. Experience tells me though that God will move me on in those areas when the time is right. So, for now, I'm just sitting tight.
What about you? Who are you? How have you been wired? Do you know?
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*Take today's check list... get the kids out the door to church as on time as possible, go to church, do the grocery shopping, purchase and wrap a present, put together the material I'm presenting at a workshop later in the week, walk the dogs, spend time with the kids, finish updating manuals on a few aspects of the new database at work, clear my in-boxes, send out emails to everyone to ask them to support my fundraising venture, pick up the dog poo, mow the lawn, do a load of laundry and hang it, check Facebook, finish watching a video on technology & teaching, write a blog post. There were things I didn't get to today, but I'm pleased with what I did manage to achieve today.
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** Of course, each of these strengths and gifts has a dark side. If I'm not careful, I can wind up on the dark side - and that person would NOT be a fun person to be around, or to live with. Too much achiever becomes a workaholic. Too much belief becomes a religious bigot. Too much activator becomes someone who is gun-ho. etc, etc. I know that I've been there, and will probably go there again. But rather than focus on the dark side, I want to focus on the positive side, and see the incredible person that God intended when he wired me this way.
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