This week has been MANIC. In between trying to finalise the reporting process (which is a lot more complicated than you would think), I've also been sorting out the sets/ classes for LS for next year, finalising the spreadsheets for next year, and doing other admin stuff for Gd 11 (which is the grade I'm a tutor in). Most days, I've left school closer to 4pm than lunch time.
Of course, none of this has been helped by the fact that now that my flu/ cold is gone, my nausea has returned with a vengeance. Unfortunately, I don't get morning sickness, I get afternoon and evening sickness. It starts around lunch time and gets progressively worse as the day progresses, until I rush to bed to escape it.
Well, that was, until last night. Last night saw a change in my pattern. Because last night, I actually hurled. My first proper one of the pregnancy. I don't know whether that's a good or bad sign. It could be good, in that it's later in the pregnancy than it was with Zoe. However, it could be a bad sign, indicating that the nausea is getting worse, rather than better. So I really don't know what to make of it. The up side (yes, there is one), is that I felt WORLDS better afterwards, so was able to go out and enjoy a lovely meal with G and some of his colleagues. (DELICIOUS food at an up-market Italian joint in Greenpoint. Calamari and chocolate crepes to DIE for!!)
I'm looking forward to not having to be at school anymore (one more day and then our end of year breakfast). I'm looking forward to having some time to sort out the last few chores around the house that need doing, and a few business things. So, by the end of next week (I hope) I will really be able to relax and be on holiday - for the WHOLE holiday. Won't that be nice?
Of course, as long as this blasted nausea continues, I really don't know how much I will get to enjoy it. And I've realised that I can no longer wear my costume in public, because the bruises from my daily injections are just too horrible to look at. So I'm going to have to go shopping at Jakes Surf Shop and get some boarders and a bikini top, me thinks. I'm still really struggling with the injections... I still have to psyche myself up for them - and although I know it's probably entirely psychological, I always feel closest to throwing up just before I do one.
But, the sunshine seems to be here to stay. My daughter is wonderful. My husband is a star. (And my business course is FINISHED! Graduation week after next) What more could I ask for??
I was reading a friend's blog this evening. She's in the hospital up the road from us where we'll deliver. She has cancer and will probably never have children - she's only been married a year. Her tumours are making her nauseous and making her vomit. While I have sympathy, because I know how horrible I feel, at the same time I am aware that what I have to endure will end. Hers may not. She's on morphine now to alleviate the pain.
Another friend's blog I read this evening stated that 'whatever else we may be going through, God is good'. Once again I wonder at this. I don't doubt that God is good, or that he is good all the time, but I do wonder at a God who, being good, allows suffering to continue. Why doesn't God DO something? I know the stock answer is that he walks through the dark times with us, never leaving us; that he carries us through; that the suffering helps to develop character, trust and dependence on God. But sometimes, those stock answers aren't enough for me.
I look at the self-inflicted bruises on my thighs, and although I know why I'm doing it, and although I wouldn't choose to stop the treatment, I do question whether the pain (and the other things I suffer in pregnancy) are worth it. Is it really worth it, when I don't have any sort of guarantee that this child will be born alive? What if we go through this whole thing, only to lose this one too? I keep finding myself becoming careless - I've had more peanuts, raw egg, alcohol, caffeine and other banned items in this pregnancy than the other two combined!
And yet, what price do you put on a life? I know my friend with cancer would give her right arm to be in my shoes right now. To even have the OPTION of having a child... I know she would say that any price is worth it. Is what she's going through worth it? She has no guarantee of life, and with every check-up her prognosis gets worse. Is it worth fighting when it seems the chance of success is so slim? I guess she thinks it is, or she wouldn't keep fighting. But I wonder where God is in all this. Every time she's told that a particular treatment hasn't worked, every time she has a round of chemo that leaves her so weak she can't eat, every time she goes to hospital (knowing that this time she may never leave) - where is God in that? The Bible teaches that he's there, and I believe he is, but where? Where is the shalom of God for her?
Where is the shalom of God for me? I knew that at some point in this pregnancy the paranoia would strike, and it seems that these past few weeks it's been slowly creeping in on me. Last night I caught myself thinking quite seriously that I'm not sure I want to continue with these injections. After all, if God wants this child born alive it will be - despite anything I do or don't do. And if he doesn't, these injections won't help one bit, and will only serve to make me feel awful. So why bother?
When I read the packaging insert, it's terrifying. This stuff can do SERIOUS harm to adults, let alone fetuses. It specifically says that this stuff is 'not tested as safe to administer during pregnancy'. My gynae assures me that the pros outweigh the cons. But do they? And if this child is born disabled because of these drugs, how will I ever live with my guilt? Would I rather bring a disabled child into the world than run the risk of having another stillbirth? Would I rather cause my child's death in infancy through organ failure, or run the risk of another stillbirth?
I know it's a bit late to be asking these questions - I should have done that BEFORE we started on them... because the damage will already be done. So maybe I just keep on with it, in the hopes that, however my child develops, it at least has a chance at life? I really don't know.
When I was younger, I thought I had the answers to everything. Now all I have is questions - questions that no-one can really answer for me.
Then again, maybe I'm just being overly melodramatic and all I really need is a blimming good holiday??? Thank God that is an easy problem to solve. Just one more week and we can find out.
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